You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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