angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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