I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
