some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I am midnight drunk by noon
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
