Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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