I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
