Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
