i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
