my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You've changed since you got that strap on
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
