After last night, I could never be a politician.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
