best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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