so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
