The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
