Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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