Only a mothe r could love this liver
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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