What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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