she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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