don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
