i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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