did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
