Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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