You really coming over, don't trick.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
