I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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