3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Mom said you looked used
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
