if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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