i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
