Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
