Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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