That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
