I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
