that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
