I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
this will be a night to untag.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
