I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
