she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
