i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
