All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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