Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
