I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
