Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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