I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
