I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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