I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
