Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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