we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
