In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
