im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you would pick up someone in the library
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
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He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
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I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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