dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
