I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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