i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
