I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
