I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
well you can't waste a boner
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
