Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
