woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
third nipple confirmed
Randomize
