you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
