I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
