My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
