My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
