I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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