You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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