it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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