I can text with my tongue
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
