My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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